Champions league Cheeseburgered

I watched the champions league final this year at the place where all impoverished GT students who think the game is too significant to be watched on a dodgy stream with Arabic commentary go, the student center (the equivalent of the canteen). The crowds can sometimes be significant for champions league games since these are usually on weekdays when people drop by between classes to catch a portion of the game on the (relatively) big screen. However, with the final being on a Saturday in the middle of summer there was only a smattering of people.

I quickly took a seat in the front row and waited for the game to begin. In the seat alongside was an African gentleman with a computer opened up making rather strange beeping noises. The computer was making the noises I mean, not the African gentleman. After a few minutes Bayern had a chance which was blazed wide by Robben and I suddenly became aware of the presence of a middle aged American woman in our midst, sitting in the front row. “That’s just lahk Fuhball !”, she informed the gathering. “Lahk when yew git th’ ball all th’ way to the eynd”, she elaborated “ but cayn’t mayke that touchdown!”. As she said so she was smiling contentedly, following up these observations with a few rich guffaws. Plainly, all was right in her world.

The game carried on and as the imminence of a goal started to die down the lady began to shift uncomfortably and murmur to herself. After a good 20 mins she could stand it no longer and let her feelings be known. “Kin suhmbody tell me weyhn there’s gohn be a score huh?” she demanded. Seeing no one able to volunteer the information she was seeking, she decided that a more personal approach was in order. “Ah know yew guys kin tell me! ” she exclaimed while pointing at two Chinese youths sitting furthest away from the television. The Chinese youths, looking thoroughly alarmed, vehemently denied the charges leveled against them. The lady shook her head as if implying dissatisfaction and sank back in her seat and proceeded to chuckle merrily to herself.

Soon though her attention was back on the game, and it was apparent that she was unwilling to accept this shoddy lack of goals without an explanation. She appeared to be somewhat reluctant to swallow Middle America’s dictum that ‘soccer’ was a dull and pointless game, possibly giving the benefit of the doubt to the sanity of the assembled crowd who appeared to be rather interested in it. Consequently, with the application of some frankly ingenious reasoning she worked out that it was in fact the players who were rubbish, deferring judgement on the game itself. Having drawn this inference, she was naturally anxious to share her results with the world and proudly proclaimed, “These guys cain’t play ! The ball is makin’ them look stew-pid, all they doin’ is fallin’ over”.

However it was clear that her patience was wearing thin. Bayern and Inter meanwhile, completely oblivious to the consternation they were provoking continued to merrily hoof the ball around. On the 30 minute mark she decided that enough was just about sufficient. “Man ah’m juhst about duhn with this shit !”, she said “We could’a had fifty fuhball scores bah now !” going on to add “Dahyymmn !” for good measure.

But with true American determination to get her money’s worth shining through she sat back down, face dark as thunder, a good woman wronged.

On 35 minutes Diego Milito decided that it might be a good idea to stick the ball in the net for a change and did so with aplomb. “Fahyn’lly ! Oo Man, I thought I was never going to see them put that thang in the goal”. As she looked on, Milito stood in the corner pumping his fists and yelling for all he was worth, “Ah know how you feel, Honey !” she reassured the Argentine.

Having seen one goal, she thought it prudent to quit while she was ahead. And for those she left behind, she did have a stern last word of warning, “Yew know the scary thang ? That could be the only goal of the game !” she shuddered. Seeing no inclination from anyone to follow her example, she shuddered again and exited, leaving us to our fate.